Vulnerability and riding the waves of 2020

The world as we know has shifted. Wherever you are, your situation has likely shifted over the last 6 months. For some of us, the change has been drastic. For others, it has felt like more of a brief interruption. Whatever 2020 has been for you, it has provided pause. A pause for reflection. Here’s my recent reflection in my journal. It’s a conglomeration of the thoughts and feelings that would run through my mind during the last several months, including some that still do. (formatted for easier reading).

Where am I? Do I like where I am? Now that my routine has been shifted, uprooted, how do I want to build a new routine? No, that didn’t work quite right. This doesn’t feel balanced. This is better, but not ideal. Things will go back to normal soon. Okay maybe things won’t go back to normal soon. How do I make an adjustment to make this new routine work a little better? Do I actually like aspects of this new routine better than the old one? Yes, some of them. How do I want to incorporate these new ways of living into my life post COVID? What feelings are coming up? Wow these are intense. What can I do with these? Am I ready to let them go? They feel like they will never go away. Am I slipping into a depression? I choose to observe. I think positively when I remember and when I can. 

I imagine colorful energy swirling around in my body, returning stuck energies back into motion and letting out old emotions. I don’t need them anymore. Returning inside helped me realize they were there. Now I choose to let them go. The fear says no, but my will says YES. I choose to observe and let them take as long as they need to move. Now I’m feeling better. Another day has passed and I’m feeling way better. Letting go of those tears and fears has brought me up. It feels almost euphoric. Am I bipolar? I will continue to observe. A day later and the euphoria has passed. It has been replaced by simple, easy going joy. It will stay this way for some time before slowly slipping back into a block of stuck scary emotions. And I will ride the wave again. Each wave comes and goes, and each time it feels a little less scary. I feel a little less down, and a little less euphoric, and that is relieving. 

I’d much rather feel the simple joy of being right in the middle than ride constantly between the two extremes. But the worries continue. Will I be able to hold to the promises I made to myself and make changes to my schedule when businesses and schools pick up again? Will we get our freedom to go outside taken away again? Am I wrong for sending my kid back to school? Am I putting others at risk by doing that? Am I wrong for not going to workout classes because they are indoors? Does that mean I am living out of fear and depriving myself of healthy, “normal” activities? 

I am walking a zig zagging line of what’s “right” feeling that any deviation might be “wrong.” How much of these thoughts are even my own and how much come from other people? How much of this is just other people’s energy that I am intuiting. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done that. And now I feel like I’m being hard on myself. Let’s switch that around if we can. I do still love you after all. You’re the one I can truly depend on, so let’s work on this thing called life together. That’s my mind and my ego talking. Sometimes they feel like one, and other times they fight. Other times they work together. And many times, I don’t even notice which is which. 

My awareness is growing. That I know. Daily meditations, courses on spiritual growth and energy, my determination. And of course, growing through teaching and sharing with others. All of these things have helped me grow immensely over the years. And the last few months have been like a fast track. A growth fast track. Most days I gladly accept to be on it. I watch my growth through joy and pain with curiosity and wonder. And other days I felt like the victim, like I am being dragged along. I avoid it by playing games on the tablet. By watching tv. By thinking thinking thinking.

And then after I’ve had enough avoidance, I face the next layer of stuck energy. I go deep. I visit the inner child. I talk to her. I accept her. I hold her and play with her. She cries, she laughs, she coos. She disintegrates and reintegrates into me. She rejoins my spirit, my soul. She makes me one step closer to being whole. And I continue. Some days I simply have to watch the energy and emotions move up and out. No “work” needed. Other days I type and see what comes up. See what that little girl has to say and go through the process of understanding, accepting, loving, and reintegrating. Both are beautiful experiences. Neither feel fun at the start. Stuck energy does not feel good. Go figure.

I’m thankful I have the tools I have to move this energy. To keep growing. I’m thankful I’m able to look at the process and enjoy it now. Not all the time. And that’s ok. There was a time where I could barely enjoy the process at all. Sure I had moments where I laughed and had fun. But when asked to reflect on where I was, I immediately thought about the things I didn’t like and where I would rather be. I suppose that’s why the process of growth was so much slower then. I couldn’t enjoy the process. I couldn’t accept where I was. It really is a beautiful gift to be able to shift into that. 

I wanted to share this vulnerable experience with you because I know I thought and felt things that many people felt and are feeling right now. I know that often I find comfort in knowing I am not alone and that my experiences are “normal.” I know that there is a lot of pain in the world because I can feel it in the collective consciousness. I guess there is a part of me that also wants to share this journal entry to inspire growth in others that are searching for it. It can feel like hard work to get through the initial layers of pain, but the payoff is so worth it.

That’s not to say that I don’t experience pain or difficult situations anymore. I’m still human, and that’s simply a part of the human condition. What is different (now as opposed to years past) is that I can flow through those situations with considerably more ease and grace and not feel quite as stuck or out of control when emotions rise. Each year I find this to be more and more true. And I intend for that to continue. And I intend to continue sharing my growth and gifts with humanity to help others remember their true selves, their spirits, and to grow in the most painless, graceful, and easy way possible along with me.

Thank you for reading.

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